Horoscope

by April Lee

 

What type of art connoisseur would each archetypal zodiac sign be?

Just as you can’t slot every person on this planet into one of twelve categories, simply because you’re one sign doesn’t mean you are necessarily that type of art aficionado. However, if each of the signs, as embodied by their commonly ascribed traits, were a particular kind of art connoisseur, the result just might look like this…

ARIES. March 21 – April 19

This is the type of person who saunters in with a subtle confidence, appears to look at creations with a discerning eye, then impulsively does or says something that makes you realize their knowledge of aesthetics comes from Wikipedia. If anyone corrects them in a way that embarrasses them in any way, arrogant, defensive responses arise. Once this occurs, there is really nothing that can return the atmosphere to the comfortable status quo except to quickly move on. They will still be on guard, so even innocuous comments will receive a danger assessment. When they leave the gallery, they will never come back… At least for as long as it would take a reasonable person to forget them.

TAURUS. April 20 – May 20

These people are the most likely to be secret collectors, if they are rich enough. They are like dragons with a deep appreciation for artistic merit, and as likely to hide away their acquisitions as they are to display them prominently. Whatever stirs their soul will enthrall them, but in the end, although a work may channel the loftiest of artistic expression, it is still a thing that can be possessed. While they deeply appreciate talent and high quality, their decision to procure will depend on how good an investment something is. Better have good delivery services: Tauruses like to “conserve” their energy.

GEMINI. May 21 – June 20

While most people have a particular sense of style or taste that has developed throughout their lives, Gemini may think they know what they like, but honestly, anything goes. They could fall in love with some truly random piece because it induces a manic feeling, or go around making fun of everything on display. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to their art appreciation. They can talk a good game though and when in a good mood can convince artists that they are fans, only to roll their eyes when they turn around. If they have consistent criteria with which they judge art, it’s from a book.

CANCER. June 21 – July 22

Deeply moody people, while they logically understand the need and importance of artistic expression, they tend to stick with what’s safe and are easier to offend than most, even though they think of themselves as liberal and accepting. If an artist is self-actualizing or speaking through the art, it is appreciated only when it aligns with their sensibilities. They value creativity in general — and sometimes even show creative potential — but they wouldn’t be able to tell an Ikea print from a Mapplethorpe.

LEO. July 23 – August 22

Everything revolves around them. EVERYTHING. If it’s going to raise their status in any way, be it looking well-to-do, supporting their assertion that they think “outside the box”, or giving an impression of magnanimity, they’ll be all over it like a dirty shirt. If they say they are supporting the arts, they are gathering evidence of their patronage. If they claim to like something because it’s edgy and disturbing, they are trying to make up for the fact that they are devoid of substance and uninteresting. If they buy, though, they will showcase it prominently for all to see.

VIRGO. August 23 – September 22

Secretly hopelessly insecure, they will find a flaw in everything they see. The pieces they like, they will extol. With regard to pieces they dislike or about which they have no opinion, they will use their nitpicking superpower and be able to provide a dissertation about how the piece could be better. If you express appreciation of one of these pieces, they are unable to just let the comment go. You will hear their opinion, and confirm that they have absolutely no expertise (they usually preface the conversation with that information) and just love to whine.

LIBRA. September 23 – October 22

They sound extremely knowledgeable, and purport to have preferences — style, media, use of colour, whatever — but at the end of the night you will realize that they have maintained a socially safe wishy-washiness. They might like a particular artist, but if you like someone different, they will manage to validate your opinion even as they appeared to have carried on a witty, intellectual debate over artistic merits. It’s brilliant — they look as if they are truly accepting of all creative processes, when in fact, they want to agree with everyone to maintain social stature.

SCORPIO. October 23 – November 21

These are the folks who actually like the weird stuff, not so much because they value the avant-garde so much as they like to see other people’s reaction. Kind of sadistic in a way, in the Criminal Minds kind of way. Whatever they do favour tends to touch upon something deeply rooted and emotional, good or bad. Staring down a painting is like looking into a mirror, one that reflects secret desires, intense memories, or stirs them in the nether regions.

SAGITTARIUS. November 22 – December 21

If you have ever thought that blunt honesty about an artistic style was refreshing, you haven’t hung around these folks for long enough. Not only that, but they are world-class know-it-alls. Every now and again, they’ll offer some good insight and the benefit of their scholarly pursuits, but once the ball starts rolling, it’s like high school history class. Thank goodness they tend to mingle; otherwise you’d be stuck playing Art Trivial Pursuit until closing.

CAPRICORN. December 22 – January 19

They are the ones whose presence is wrapped up in an agenda. The art itself is secondary to the obligation they are creating in others by making the effort to get dolled up and show up. Perhaps it’s so they can be the one picking the movie next week, or to force you to one of their events. They will take a cursory glance and know whether or not they like what they see. Then they are plainly observing everyone and feeling somewhat superior.

AQUARIUS. January 20 – February 18

They consider themselves visionaries, and hate thinking that they aren’t somehow trudging off the beaten path, away from all the sheep who like conservative, “safe” art. The weirder the better. Problem is, by not conforming for the sake of not conforming, they don’t really have an intelligible understanding of what the art actually means. Meanwhile, as you have your discourse about the merits of more “normal” art, they are busy labelling you an ignorant peasant who cannot appreciate innovation and trailblazing.

PISCES. February 19 – March 20

These folks tend to be accepting of almost all styles and techniques. With their rose-coloured glasses, they are just happy to be in the presence of the fruits of creative labour. They can find something to like about every item — to the point that you don’t know if they are able to competently critique anything. When they connect with a piece, you can tell because their eyes almost glaze over and they’re on the way to LalaLand. Still, it is always nice to have one of them around because they are so validating.